New Friends at the Vets Office

Litter Box Visits: 8 or 9
Escape Attempts:0, but I went outside and got some sun time.

Car rides aren't what they use to be. In my youth I remember rocking out to Ace of Base and going up to wine country trips to see my Auntie Ann or cruising to Petco to visit the adoption kitties. That was especially fun when my human let me climb on the cat trees. I really wish she had brought them home...alas I am off on another tangent!

Yesterday we went for another ride to the vet's office. I have been having some issues jumping and my hips are sore. I'm not sure how it happened. Could have happened when playing with the dogs or giving a smack down to Faith or maybe I landed funny; either way its been hurting enough I was having problems propelling myself upward. My human noticed and decided to bring me to the vets to find out what was wrong. The car ride wasn't that much fun. No Ace of Base.

Before we even got into the examination room we got to meet all kinds of new friends in the waiting area. There was Chance, the big orange tabby who was chilling in his carrier. His human was very nice and I marked her hand and foot repeatedly. She gave good pats. Then there was a tiny kitten (never got her name) and her two humans, they were also very nice and I sat on one of them for a while. Then three humans came in with another small orange cat named Lily. She wasn't too happy with me when I looked in her carrier; so so I focused on her humans. One was small, but a female human, so more tolerable than most small-sized humans. I got lots of petting and they talked to me for a long time. I saw a LOT of dogs too, but my human wouldn't let me visit them. They seemed to be in some kind of isolation ward, away from the cats.

Dr. Johnson is my vet, she is very nice, I didn't even bite her when she bent my head around and pulled on my legs. I purred a lot when she put this cold, round thing on my side, but then she blew in my face; I stopped purring for a moment wondering why she'd do that, but then she took the round thing away and I resumed purring. It was fun. After that, she took me into another room and poked me a couple of times with needles, THAT wasn't fun, but I was focusing on all the other animals and new friends I could meet. It was over quickly and my human had me back on my leash. Dogs aren't the only ones who can wear leashes you know!

The human bought some treats for me, and they are only for ME. And then we drove home. I didn't like the return trip either. The car makes my stomach hurt. So I sat in the back and complained the whole way home. When we got there, she gave me the yummy treats. I get two a day. The vets isn't so bad, I don't know what the dog's drama is all about. She went on and on after her last visit that there were vampire humans trying to drain her blood, but they weren't biting her, they were using long silvery tubes. I can only guess she meant needles. HELLO? Dogs are so uneducated.

Broccoli, Who Knew?

Litter box visits: 4 (it's raining again!)
Escape attempts: 0, why bother

So the human is on some kind of weird food regime. No cereal, no milk, no eggs. She's not even eating fish anymore. It's bad enough she doesn't eat any meat, this time she has gone too far. She puts fruit, some powder, ice cubes in a big glass and the glass makes a terrible noise, if this goes on much longer we may need to hook the dog up to a Xanax drip. I'm not sure why the human is eating this way, but she seems pretty pissed off since she started.

So the other night the human finished another pound of roasted broccoli, but there were a few leftovers still on the plate. So I reached up and pulled one off the plate. SHE wasn't eating it! I didn't know what the small green logs were, but I figured, no chance of fish anytime soon, so what the hell. Well the human seemed to think I wouldn't like it so she took her sweet old time retrieving it. She was too slow, I chewed it up and swallowed. YUM-ME. Green logs, tastes good! Who knew? The human thought this was amusing, so she cut the pieces up (she's a good egg) and fed me the rest. I ate 'em all! They're pretty good. I stood on the chair smelling her and sniffing the air indicating I'd like MORE, but she didn't get it. I have well-trained but she's not too bright sometimes.

I really do wish she'd start eating fish again, or at least drinking milk. Hello? Cheese crumbles on the floor wouldn't suck either.

Why I Love My Human

Litter Box Visits: 4
Escape Attempts: 1, but it was consensual

Every cat loves their human, it's a given; but most of us like to hide this fact. Why suck up and act like they are the second coming when there is a dog or two around to do it for us? But I do love my human, for many reasons. Foremost she saved me from certain death at the animal shelter (one of my brothers didn't make it) and she feeds me. But lately she's on some kind of Litter Box cleaning spree. I barely have time to cover and she's scooped. It's most delightful. I'm like that guy on Alley McBeal, who liked to pre-flush, he always "wanted a clean bowl." The other reason I love my human is she let me escape and explore the back yard. It was sunny and small yard smelled like bird and dog poop, but I loved it. The dogs were out there too, but didn't try to mess with us too much. I did several perimeter searches and was unable to locate any exits. It was a good day. I guess I should stop biting the human's nose when she picks me up...nahhh.




Here I am outside at our last house, it had a really nice back yard, our new house, not so much.

Faceless Faith

Litter Box Visits: 5

Escape Attempts: 0

 The Dog and her security blanket: Faceless Faith

Young children often find security by maintaining a death grip on a bubbie (blankie). Some kids like to rub their own hair and even the fur of the family pet. But what many people do not know is that insecure dogs also have security "blankets" to ward off the scary monsters that may attack at any time. Sorta' like a protective amulet. The Dog has her own bubbie, it's called Faceless Faith. Not to be confused with Faith the cat, she has her face but her brains are questionable.

Once upon a time, Faceless Faith was an intact, stuffed animal living comfortably on the Human's bed; minding her own business. She is a stuffed "cat" though it pains me to place those two words in one sentence. She resembles the live Faith, they are both are tuxedos--black with white paws and a white chest.

One day a white puppy (the Dog) came along and decided FF (Faceless Faith) looked mighty tasty, so she promptly claimed FF as yet another dog toy--or so we thought!

 

Faceless Faith (FF) 

The Human thought she looked so cute carrying FF around in her mouth like a baby animal, it was cute until she chewed Faceless Faith's face off and removed all the stuffing from her head! Personally, I find this disemboweling trait of dogs unsettling. I was quite sure Faceless Faith would soon be completely "gutless".. The Dog did not continue to remove all of FF's innards; instead she carried her around in her mouth like she was a Lab retrieving a freshly-shot duck from the marsh.

At first it was quite distressing to see a limp cat-like shape hanging from her mouth; even more upsetting when she'd shake it as if to break FF's neck. But the weirdest thing the dog does with FF, is lick her as if she is cleaning her baby puppy. She removed FF's entire brain then proceeds to lick her as if she's one of her offspring? WTF? Freud and Jung would have a field day evaluating the Dog's mental health. But as usual, I digress! The Dog also has bouts of possessive aggression protecting FF. If FF is in a 5-foot radius of the Dog and one of us cats casually strolls by, she turns into Cujo, defending her "food". Seriously? Like we care about that spit-ridden, brainless thing? I don't even respond when she goes all SF Zoo Tiger on my ass any more. She also insists on taking FF to bed with her at night....awww (gag). She takes it with her when the vacuum comes out (wimp), she takes it with her if she's going to hang out in the office...I'm surprised she doesn't take it for rides in the car! Dogs! If I live 'til 22, I won't understand them!

 

The "Live" Faith (and me) Chilaxin'

Dog Training- My Work is Never Done

Litter Box Visits: 5
Escape Attempts: 1

There is no resting on the laurels for this striped cat. Nope. Just when I managed to train my dog to perfection (submission) now we have a new one in the house. Not another temporary. This one is permanent. It comes with its own human too. This one is an older puppy. The worse kind!


Young puppies are easy and training is relatively quick. They hit the ground and begin bouncing around the house. They eat cat food and puke, they eat socks and puke, they eat treasures from the litter box, kiss the human and THEN puke. But in this state of sniffing oblivion, the puppy is like pure buttah in a cat's paws. All you need to do is sit patiently on the floor watching. When the puppy pinballs himself over to you, quickly give him 3 quick slaps to the face before he even touches you. Use of claws is optional. This shocks the crap out of them, not to worry they're leaving messes in the house at this point, the human won't blame you. Of course the puppy's short-term memory is like 2.5 seconds so another method I employ is the Puffy Cat. Walk casually by the puppy, going about your business. You can even mock play, just to test your boundaries. When the puppy tries to play with you, puff yourself up to 3x your size by making every inch of fur stand on end and spit. And don't forget to give them the death stare. You can follow up with a low growl. Alternate between these two methods and within a few days the puppy is 100% trained. Again, this only works on young puppies 3-5 months old.

Now back to the new dog. This new puppy is not quite a year. Has some confidence and a lot of energy.  My dog is having some jealousy issues and handing out smack downs like raindrops in a thunderstorm. She is NOT happy. But I am always up for a challenge. I have to use the combination of a heavy paw/claw and mind control. I approach the puppy and flop in front of her like I want to play. This is not the usual behavior expected of a cat. The puppy proceeds to try to play. This is when I flip around grab her head in my paws and bite, not TOO hard. When she stops moving I begin cleaning her head in a calming fashion. It's almost like good cat-bad cat all in one an instantaneous maneuver. Unfortunately with older puppies the training period is longer. It's been almost 2 weeks and I don't think she's quite grasped the chain of command in this house. The hierarchy is: Cat > Dog > Human. Duh. I hope the human doesn't trim my claws any time soon.

Dog Therapy

Litter Box visits: 12 (new litter, and it's de-lightful!)
Escape attempts: 2 (1 successful! Auntie DeAnna, wasn't paying attention)

The dog is going to need extensive psychological therapy. We are getting roommates. If it was just two humans I think she'd be fine, but we're getting a human AND a dog. The new dog is also a puppy, not quite a year. New Dog isn't quite smart enough to know when to back off. New Dog doesn't know that it's a bad thing to steal Faceless Faith (the Dog's favorite toy...more on F.F. later). The New Dog doesn't know NOT to walk near the Dog when she has a treat within a five foot radius, regardless if she wants to eat it or not. It wasn't pretty. There were multiple altercations while they were here visiting. Us cats pretty much ignore her hissy fits. The New Dog screamed right back at her. There was a lot of growling, moping, and showing of teeth. I'd offer the Dog a therapy session or two for free, but I don't think I can fit her under the sink. Not that she'd even go in there; she's afraid of air for god's sake!  Maybe I'll offer sofa therapy.

I think there is going to be a significant adjustment period. Why can't we all just get along?

Here I am trying to talk her out of moping

New Years Resolutions

Litter Box Visits: 10 (dog isn't eating much of her food)
Escape Attempts: 0

I am an evolved cat. During one of my deep meditative sessions this past week (in the litter box) I decided to move further down my path of enlightenment. To do this, it is always best to strive for personal improvement. Setting goals is one way to do this. Since it's a new decade, it's a good time to document my resolutions for all to see; I'll be more accountable this way:

1. Avoid dog when she has her toy or a treat nearby.
2. Determine alternate escape route from house.
3. Limit dog food consumption to .25 cups per day
4. Limit counter surfing to hours of 2-6 AM.
5. Improve cabinet opening skills
6. Learn to turn on water in sink
7. Limit Faith ass-kicking to 1-2 times per week 3 MAX!
8. Encourage human to eat more tuna.

MEDITATION is the key to enlightenment

Holidays Are Over

Dear readers I apologize for being MIA, its been a busy season for me. House cats have quite a lot to do during the holidays. There are trees to climb, ribbons to chew, swallow and travel (ahem) through your digestive track, there are shiny cat toys hanging from the tree to swat and chase around the house, there are a plethora of new delicacies to try! My favorite item has been brown, sweet-smelling kibble wrapped up in foil. It's sorta shaped like the stupid elf hat the human makes me wear this time of year. I removed several from table and shared with Muffin. Not sure what the problem was but the human temporarily changed my name to "godamned Yeti" when she saw the foil. Hmmm.




There also seems to be many new boxes to jump in and out of. Scares the dog, so what else is new? The human tried to put reindeer ears on Kabuki, but they slipped around her neck and she freaked out. She ran under the bed yelling about giant winged creatures attacking her head. She's a total drama queen. The human had to trap her to remove them. That cat seriously needs a valium. The human found a Santa beard AND hat for cats...why she has to torture me with these "outfits" I do not know.

At least I get to eat interesting things in exchange for her dress up time (the woman needs some dolls or kids). Human has no idea how many times I did some paw dips into the eggnog. Payback's a bitch and his name is YETI.